From the Archives: Addendum to Public Service Announcement

Just in case you were thinking: "But I'm in Wisconsin. Orca can't get me here." Read the fine print on the Orca poster:

"He will hunt that person down . . . ACROSS ALL OBSTACLES."
That includes land.

Orca could, for example, catch a bus. Who's going to tell them they need exact change? Especially if they're zombie-Orca. Also, Mothman is often known to carry change. (Fucking Mothman.)

And keep in mind that, according to the poster, they are "one of the most intelligent creatures IN THE UNIVERSE." That's pretty damn smart. I'm sure those bastards could figure something out.

For example: Orca, also known as "sea wolves," often hunt in packs. As viewers of YouTube already know, they can also leap up onto shore and beat the shit out of seals. And then eat them. And then toss them thirty feet into the air and shit.

So who's to say one one Orca couldn't leap up onto shore, and then have one of his buddies jump up right behind him and push him further along. (The first Orca to make landfall, not the seal.) And then one of their other buddies could quit fucking around with that seal it's been tossing around, and jump up, and push the second Orca further up the beach, thus pushing the first Orca (now known as "Orca Zero") even further up the beach. And so on.

Now, there are about 100,000 of these bastards out there in the ocean, and they grow to about 30 feet, so by my calculations, Orca Zero could make it about 560 miles inland. This would take him past California and well into Nevada. So he hits Vegas with some change he bums off the Mothman (fucking Mothman), wins big on the slots (or just starts eating people till they give him money), and hires a fat ass limousine to take his fat ass to Wisconsin, where he will proceed to HUNT YOU DOWN WITH A RELENTLESS, TERRIBLE VENGEANCE - ACROSS SEAS, ACROSS TIME, ETC.

In the meantime, his buddies in the Orca daisy-chain would proceeed up and down the West Coat interior by means of a steamroller technique (c.f. Bob & Doug McKenzie).

Anyways. Don't get too comfortable, just because you're in Wisconsin.

Just sayin'.

P.S. See the photo below. Would you like to deal with a zombie attached to that? I wouldn't. (Though I suppose it would make the C.H.U.D. think twice. Or once. Them being C.H.U.D. and all.)